Safe And Sound

Dear Sweet Mallory,

We are all fighting with you girl. We held you in our arms almost 6 months ago and we knew you were the missing peice to our family. You are something special little one. Someday we are all going to look back on this and just recall bits and peices of this craziness. Dear Little Girl you have to fight, and FIGHT HARD so that we can see that bright smiling face every single day. S o that we can comfort you when you cry, kiss your booboo's when you fall, and have you to cuddle up to everyday for the rest of our lives. So baby please know that we love you, If I could change places with you know that i would in a heartbeat, You have done nothing but smile and troop along through everything and I just want to tell you that WE love you so much and we are SO SO PROUD of you!

- Mom & Dad

Dear Jillpie,

You have been the light of our lives since you were born. You have taught us so much more than we could have ever anticipated. Having you in our lives makes in complete. You are incredibly brilliant 2 year old with a heart of gold. I wish I could spend every day with you, holding you, laughing with you, and singing our "ABC'S" all day long. You make this easier on us because of your strong strong independance. We love you so much and enjoy every single moment we have with you. You just amaze us everyday. We are PROUD of you too! You were thrown into a completely different world since sissy has been sick but someday sweety it will get better.

-Mom & Dad

Dear Ryan,

I am not sure how to communicate the love I have for you. It is unconditional. I am sorry that things are not going the way either of us planned for but you have stood by thick and thin. I believe you have different coping mechanisims than I do but I need you to share too. I need to know how you feel and what you feel too. I will never let this go, I am in it for the long run, we will FIGHT not only for our little girls but for ourselves as well. Because once you stop fighting you get defeated and theres no turning back. We have a brilliant 2 year old and an amazingly stubborn 5.5 month old who is so sick, sicker than we have neglected to accept. She needs us, so does Jillian, and so do I, I need you too. I love you, I am not turning my back on you, I am not giving up, I will never give up what we have, it's too special. People envy our love, so no I refuse to throw it away because of this. I love you big lug, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Grow old, grow tired, and grow deeper in love.

-Ashley


I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound

I fall down on my knees

I am no longer able to care for my child because I have neglected to care for myself.

I have spent so many nights awake with her, even when she is sleeping I can't take my eyes off of her. I just don't want to miss one moment and that has caused me to have a full mental breakdown. I am not deserting her, I never will but I have spent the last 4 months caring for her every need, waking up with her, giving her shots, medications, comforting her when she is miserable. Now it's to the point where I know that I need someone to help me out (most likely counsling).

You haven't walked in my shoes most likely, and even the people that surrond me haven't. They support me, give me encouragment but I am bogged down.

I finally hit that BIG mental breakdown. The one where the next person that says one snide comment to me is going to get it, I WILL lay into you.

Can you honestly think that we should even begin our marriage as bitter and angry? No, I want to walk into marriage as a whole unit, not a resentful miserable person. This is one of the big reasons why I am canceling it. Ryan and I are not getting along, we haven't for a few months now. I open and honest about this because I REFUSE to sweeten up the facts. No amount of date nights can fix our situation right now. I will Marry him someday because I love him, he has stuck by us and supports us. We will in time mend what has been taken from us because of Cancer. I know I am too hard on him, I yell too much, I lose my cool too often, but I feel like I have spent so much time doing this alone. This may or may not be the truth but I have been handed over a lot and I am resentful because he gets to go to work, he gets to live a normal like part of the time, he can go in the basement and play video games, he has an escape, I don't. Here I am stuck in a hospital room or with a crying baby on me all day long at home. I am sure he wishes the tables were turned and he could spend more time with Mallory. I know he is doing a good job, he is a GREAT dad, he is still my best friend, I still love him so much. I am sure with some time we will get back to the world that we used to have.

I had pictured my life so much differently.

I am tired, flat out tired, I am doing my best, but best isn't good enough. I have to get better, I have had a hard time handing over my child for someone else to care for because I am her Mom, and I should know best and right now there is no "normal", there is nothing I can do to comfort her outside of morphine and benadryl.

So please your negativity isn't welcome. My child has cancer and she has been my main focus for months and If you see me as weak for walking away for a little bit then to hell with you too.