Momcation

I seriously HOPE we can get out of here today. Mallory's broviac still will not draw so she most likely will have this one removed and another one put in. So another surgery is probably on the agenda. I just hope they schedule it for next week outpatient instead of trying to fit it in this weekend.

I am in need of a Momcation, a weekend away from my kids, away from Cancer, away from the Hubstobe, just me myself and a few bottles of wine in a hotel room. Relaxing, recharging, and regathering myself. And I am taking that weekend this weekend if we get out of here at a decent time today.

Daddy will have a fun filled weekend with his girls. :-)

To be honest I have had a breakdown in front everyone in this hospital. I just can't get a grip. I'm pretty sure that they have a big red sticker in Mallory's file that says "MOM IS CRAZY". I was having a hard time accepting defeat, I hate leaning on people for help and support, so this is tough. But I am officially calling it "I am Ashley, and I am not capable of doing this on my own". So there, I'll stop being stubborn, I'll start asking for help, and we will survive this.

I get why some parents do go nuts. I hate it but I'm there and I'm calling a time out. I can't sleep because I'm always worked up about how little sleep I know I'll be getting. It never fails Mallory is always waking up around 5-6 and stays up till 8 when Jillian gets up. She doesn't go to bed till 12-1 (sometimes on an unlucky night 3am) and I get up every 1.5-2 hours with her to feed her. She only eats 2 ounces at a time, I've been cat napping for 3.5 months now. My mission this week is to set up a schedule with people to come over and watch the girls for a few hours everyday to take some of the weight off of my shoulders. I cringe every time she cries, I don't want to pick her up, sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and pretend I can't hear her. That's not how a Mother should feel about her baby, and It hasn't always been like this, I love her so much, Mommy just needs a break.

So I am hoping, praying, and pleading with them to let us go home today. I will be turning off my phone, checking into a hotel room and sleeping for 3 days straight.