My heart is heavy.

I think about last year, tonorrow, 1 year ago our sweet baby started her first round of chemotherapy. Not knowing what to expect, not knowing if it was going to work, and having my mind run around the "what if's" of treatment. I remember Mallory screaming when they started her eutopicide, knowing that we just had to keep going.

Mallory did amazing, we are so very blessed but i couldn't imagine my life without her. She is an amazing little girl with a bright smile, a future ahead of her, and to think she could not be here for a second is unfathomable.

Our dear friends have a daughter who is being treated for Neuroblastoma and today they were given grim news as the treatment they have been doing has come to a hault, that she has more lessions, that they are searching for a miracle.

I pray that someday we find a cure for kids like Emily, who deserve a full life, who deserve a chance to live. In my heart I am hurting, knowing that could have been our sweet girl. No family should feel the sting of childhood cancer let alone have to think about the end of the road. It's unfair, its so unfair. Please Pray for Emily, and her family through the next round of options they are desperately searching for. Please let them find it.

Www.emilyhubble.com

Christmas

We are hoping that Today you all started getting your Christmas Cards. 

Please know that with all of our hearts we adore each and everyone of you. 

Thank You For EVERYTHING!!

Thank you Lord

Mallorys scans came back good :-)
Holidays this year without chemo, broviac, transfusions and no SKYPING!!!

Scan Week

Hello Scan Week, once again we meet.

It seems like I am less and less worried about these, the tests themselves. Not the results, those I quiet frankly will be a wreck about until we are finally finished with them all together.

Scan Week Goes like this:
Monday : SSKI Drops x3 a day. Which Equals One Squirmy Wormy little 1 year old because they taste ICKY.

Tuesday: More Yucky SSKI drops 3x a day.
Liver Ultrasound, please take the nearest one year old and hold them down for 30-45 minutes, it's really easy I swear. (Ohh and Starve them of their Morning bottle, always good times)
Then head up to clinic where they will put in our sweet peanuts IV for her MIBG injection. Only to have the IV take more time than the injection itself. We even get to go into a room with a radioactive sign on the door, pretty fantastic.
Then take little girl's IV out and go about the rest of our day changing diapers with gloves on (gotta protect my little eggs in case we ever want baby #3)

Wednesday: SSKI drops 3x a day

Pray and Pray some more that Miss Mallory sleeps in so that we can escape the hungry giant of a kid, who not only gets to miss her morning bottle but gets to skip lunch as well. Then we head to clinic where the administer ANOTHER iv in her poor sweet hand.

Then its off to sedation where I hope we get the fabulous doctor that we had last time (which all of them have been really great) but the last time they let us hold her while the administered her lovely propofol (that amazing white milky stuff they inject you with to give you an amazing nap) and she goes into a deep sleep for around 45 to an hour while they scan her little body. Which usually equals no nap for the rest of the day but usually she's back to normal before we know it, being cute sweet miss mallory.

Thursday : SSKI drops 3x a day
This is where we WAIT, and WAIT, and WAIT for the doctor to call us with the results. Usually they don't so by 4:30 I'm on the phone like a hysterical mess crying my eyes out begging for some answers. And Praying all day that it comes back with NO MIBG take up, meaning they're are no changes in her tumor size, that everything is just how it should be. She had the LOWEST numbers we have seen yet, so with many good prayers going in, I am praying that this means we will have a normal Holiday season this year.

Friday: SSKI drops 3x a day.
With hopefully nothing to worry about but what we're going to eat for breakfast.

Thankfully Thankful

It's November, this time last year we were putzing along with our beautiful "New-er" baby, she was sweet, she had a small squeak, and she was so perfect.

Well this Month we've got a lot to be thankful for.

I don't have the answers for WHY Mallory got cancer, I will never know why she was chosen to be that kid. But we are almost 1 year into this crazy roller coaster ride. There have been terrible times, their have been times where we just hit rock bottom and couldn't keep going on, and their where times when we laughed hysterically at our "radioactive baby", this road has downright SUCKED, but we're still walking, we're still here, we're grateful. 

I am thankful that Mallory was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, not because she got cancer but because there are so many things we've learned and so many friends we've made, it's opened our eyes.

There are so many horrible cancers out there that are far worse, that have no cure rates or very low survival rates, that you can only delay death by years, a few months or weeks. As for Neuroblastoma, we are blessed because she was diagnosed so young, it gives her a 85-90% cure rate, it's that 10-15% that creeps up all the time we pray all the time that she never falls into that category. But for this we are thankful.

I am thankful she was diagnosed this year, in 1960 she would have no chance. I am thankful for modern medicine and the advancements it has made.

I am thankful that we have such an amazing pediatrician who found that lump and sent us for an ultrasound. For never having a patient with Neuroblastoma before we give him many many thanks. Thanks for being a GREAT doctor.

Thanks to all of the wonderful Nurses & Techs who made us laugh, who shared their own personal stories, who cried with us, who still light up when they see Miss Mallory. You guys have a tough job, one that I could never do, Thanks for doing it! We would have fared worse without you.

Thanks to the Doctors who have put up with me, I am demanding, but you truly mean the world to us. Without you, Mallory wouldn't be here today, she certainty wouldn't be thriving as well without you.

I am beyond thankful for the last year, I am thankful for cancer for opening my eyes, for teaching me things I never should know, for teaching me patience, for teaching me that each and every day is a blessing and it is so very precious. That life is not guaranteed.

I am thankful for my 2 beautiful daughters, who have only had to worry about being little girls the last 6 months, I am thankful that they get to run around, that I get to give them baths, smell their heads and tuck them in at night. I am so thankful I get to tuck them both in. They have changed my life. I was a good Mom before, but I am an AMAZING mother now, one with a lot more patience and a lot more gratitude.

I am thankful that Mal's HVA/VMA numbers came back normal this time.

I am thankful for all the silly goofy moments in life, they are the ones that are truly special. For all the little quirks my kids have.

I am thankful for 3 years ago I was walking around blissfully pregnant with our first daughter, she changed our lives.

I am thankful for my Parents, for being my rock. For allowing me to be just me and for accepting and loving the person that I am.

I am thankful for my Sister and Brother, who at times I cannot stand, but they have always been on the sidelines cheering me on. Thanks Guys! I hope you know that I'd go to the end of the world to help you out as well.

I am thankful for Ryan's Family, I am especially thankful for the fact that they are amazing in-law family to have. Some people don't get so lucky. I am thankful that through our struggles they have been nothing but supportive of us. That these moments have only brought us closer.

I am thankful especially for Ryan's Mom, who has nothing but an upbeat positive attitude, even when I am having a bad day she just gives me so much hope. She raised 3 amazing boys and I take her advice and apply it to my own life because I can only hope to have 2 amazing children who are just as great as her own. Thanks Bonnie, I just adore you and am so lucky to have you in my life.

I am thankful for my best friend Mickelle, who listens, who allows me to vent, who I can truly be myself around. Without a doubt is one of the most important people in my life. Thanks bestie for being AMAZING and QUIRKY! I just love you.

I am thankful for my almost 2 year friendship with Erika. For standing by us through everything, for allowing me to be a part of your life. For too listening, allowing me to vent, and who lets me be me. I am so happy I've gotten to know you and your beautiful family. You mean the world to me.

I am thankful we get to spend this Christmas just being normal, doing normal things, and loving every minute of it. So so so Thankful!

I am just thankful, thankful, thankful this month. We've got the world in our hand and we are just making the best of what we got, and that's a lot of stuff.

Mushy Gushy Momcologist

Their is something so amazing about your child taking her 1st steps. From that first breath of life, to rolling over, to sitting up, to scooting around the room and on furniture but their is something so magical about those tiny toes grazing the floor. Well we are please to announce for the past 3 nights Mallory has taken 4 steps each night. Her little wiggly diaper butt standing in front of me, taking steps like's she's known how to her entire life. It's just amazing, gut wrenching amazing.

 The thing is, I thought milestones wouldn't be as big of a deal with our 2nd one, we've seen them before. But that's not true at all. They are just as incredible as when Jillian did them. Seeing our girls morph from completely helpless to little tiny people is just so hard to describe. It's magical. 

 This month I've been in and out of tears, thinking of all of the amazing moments we have achieved these past 7 years. As we lived in our first apartment, to our 2nd apartment, and then buying a house. Then it was onto the "baby stage" in our life, where we brought home this precious newborn for the first time and fumbled with EVERYTHING. Where we drove 20 miles on the highway, then couldn't figure out how to get her wiggly arms in the sleeves of her clothes, to nursing and failing at that, then learning that she was going to thrive no matter what, from making baby food, to learning how to let go of her so I could take a shower without her actually in my bathroom and that too she would survive. And that sweet girl that we took home is going to be 3 before we know it. 

I am amazed at how much easier it was to bring home Mallory, how much more fluent we were. That it was ok to take a detour on our way home to grab diet cokes, to giving her baths, and realizing her arms really where more sturdy than we thought, that she would be ok mingling on her own while I got a quick power shower in. Then to her fighting to cancer, well that was tough, but within those bad days we learned that she was stronger than even we knew. And she graced through being a baby and to being a very very sick child to a resilient amazing little girl who continues to amaze us. She's physically on target in every milestone, it took her sometime to sit up but once she got it that was the end of our sweet peanut sitting still. To say the least, the walking is just amazing. No she's not doing it all the time but it's still a HUGE step. From thinking that she wasn't going to make it to see this day makes it so very special.

 And our dear sweet Jillian, she is so smart. She started saying her alphabet around 2 and now she can tell us the sounds that the letters make, she can count to 20 without skipping 13 & 14 now (we've worked on that one for a LONG time!), and she's constantly amazing us with the things she picks up on. She says "Peease", "Tank Oooo" and "Wuv Oooo" randomly and much more than that. If you sneeze that little girl is right behind you saying "Bwess Oooo".

I don't know when I gave these girls permission to grow up but they're doing it right before our eyes and I cannot thank God enough for blessing us with these little tiny souls. They are so magical.

These past few weeks we've been really getting into the "grove" of things, between making beds, daily chores, and getting our house to the house that we want has been amazingly motivating. Our living room is looking spectacular, I started it while we were waiting the 6 weeks between Mal's last round of chemotherapy and her scans. Well I neglected one wall and some touch ups at the ceiling, well I FINALLY finished! I got a bunch of pictures hung on the wall, we finally bought a new entertainment center to replace our chinsy one we've had for 7 years, which held a TV it just wasn't in the greatest condition anymore. Now I need to update the pictures and it will officially feel like "home". Our Bathroom was finished right before our Baby Party with Mallory and that just turned out incredible, and we have an extra deep bathtub which is amazing. I soaked a TON while I was pregnant with Mal (with Jillian I was stuck using a shower so the bath was a nice addition). Our Kitchen is officially done being painted, now I just have to transform these thrift store frames into something magical. The theme for the house is modern with a kid twist, so we have a lot of bright fun colors but they all pull together to make it look not like we live in crayon town :-p. I can't wait to finish (although I doubt it will ever be truly finished but hey I am ok with that)

We've got scans in about 2 weeks for Mallory, so please send out some prayers for her. Her numbers where obviously a little on the high side this past time and we just need all the prayers we can get.

Crummmmmmy Thursday

I just had a downright cruddy day.

1. I woke up late. (Only a 1/2 an hour but I had to power shower before we headed out for clinic and make sure my hair was pretty good so we could get our family pictures done.)

2. I threw a bunch of clothes in the washer, I showered, got the girls up, threw them (well ok not threw) in the tub, did my hair while they bathed, I hear a massive rattling downstairs. Lovely. Washer is not working right.

3. Made it to Clinic with Mallory, met with her oncologist, he showed us pictures of the original tumor and what it looks like now. Phew, makes you feel more at ease seeing that, the chemotherapy did a number on that stupid Neuroblastoma. We spent 3 hours total in clinic today, most of it waiting, they also took her urine to do a Catacholomine test.

4. As we're leaving clinic, Ryan plays a message on his phone, our car is officially ca-put. Totaled. Blah, way to go ash, way to go. At least I have a Great Husband that laughed and shrugged it off.

5. Made it home, laid Mallory down for a nap, hung out with Jillian while she played with Play-dough, I proceeded to clean out my "craft" closet which has been a MESS. I could barely shut the door, but I moved all the totes of toys out of their and into Jillian's closet (you know the massive amount of little leggo's, kitchen food, that she does not NEED all of them out at once.)

6. Got the call shortly after my cleaning spree that Mallory's numbers are elevated, not enough to concern the doctors, but enough to concern me. In August they were 19.4 / 13.5 and now there 33.6 / 16.7, as a mom the worst thing that comes to mind is "relapse", so my once again amazing Husband told me to just go about with daily life and try not to stress myself sick. But easier said than done, I just want to get to the year point, I don't want to wish away the time we have but seriously can we just hit a year, can we just put all of this cancer shit behind us, at least when we hit a year her chances significantly decrease. Because every time I think about it, I just want it to be DONE.  Every time a bump happens it makes me sick, it makes me so afraid, my fears surface once again. Cancer has enlightened me, but it has also taught me mortality, and life is precious and I just want this little life the rest of my life. Because I love her with all of my heart and more. So I'm going to try really hard to get through this next month, I'm going to try not to cry, and I'm going to try to keep living like I was before but sometimes it's just downright hard to deal with.Especially because they use catacholomines as a rough number, they can be effected by diet, but they also can be effected by diet, so its tough to know whats going on until her scans, but I just pray that it was the applesauce I fed to her because we followed her intake of the list we've been given to a T.

It's hard to know that my daughter is harboring a tumor no matter the size of it, I praise the Lord that it's smaller, but I just want it gone, I don't want it to be in her tiny little body, I just want it OUT.

7. Jillian and I went and bought felt and poodle's and rick rack edging, and after we got the girls in they're pajamas I headed off to my Mom's and she helped me sew they're cute little skirts up for Halloween so at least I have another thing checked off my list.

It by far wasn't the worst day I've ever had, but I've had much better days. Much less frustrating, much less emotional, but in each day we take we just keep pushing forward no matter the thing's life has dealt us, we just keep going. It's all we can do. Some days are just downright tough.

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty, the glass never empty
And know in your belly, you're never alone

May your tears come from laughing, you find friends worth having
As every year passes, they mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble, smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest as much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly, this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

Our little life.

Every day we make it through is a GREAT day. Even the not so good ones are great.

I haven't known what to write for quiet sometime now. I am happy that we get to be just a "normal" family, that does extraordinary things. Even if to most they are just "normal".

October is our CRAZY Birthday month, the one month of our the year were we are swamped with parties for our families. It feels great that we get to celebrate but even Mallory has been able to as well. Jillian adores her "Birday Parties with Birday Cake".

The funny thing about Jillian is the things she says. Each day it's something new.

"I needs it off, barbie is neekied and DAUNCING" - seriously kid, seriously. Barbies are not allowed to have clothes any longer, it concerns me just a smidge :-p

We went grocery shopping the other day and all the girl wanted was some "dinaSOOOUUUURRR toof brushes" to use with her "Toof paste".

Banana's are called "Bunumanums" and Milk is "Mickey Milk".

I am in love with this age, we're getting to the tough part where I must start trying to potty train her, and also the "no, no, no" phase. But ehhh it's still fun. Honestly it's been an amazing experience watching her grow. I am thankful for her sweet smiling face everyday.

Last week Saturday I was driving to a baby shower and was not paying enough attention and I stopped at a stop sign and saw that the street I had to turn on was to the left, so without thinking it entirely through I just went left. I then was hit by another car. One of the things I've struggled with for a long time is the thought of one of my children dying. I've had recurrent nightmares of pulling my dead child out of a car covered in blood. It's gotten better with the help from my therapist and finally realizing that these dreams are just a reminder that we are not invincible. Having been in an accident that thankfully everyone walked away from unharmed is a reminder of how fast things can be taken away from us. I just thank the Lord for watching out for us, for keeping us safe, and for teaching me another valuable lesson. I am sorry to the poor girl I hit, I am sorry for scarring my little Jillian, and to my husband who has had to deal with all the insurance crud. I am just so thankful we are safe.

Tomorrow marks another clinic day for Mallory. It is the usual urine catacholomine test, along with her doctor finally sitting down with us and showing us scans. We have not seen a scan since her CT was done when she was diagnosed, although I put all of my faith in her doctor to take care of our beautiful little girl, I still would like to see first hand what she fought and how far she's come. We got her blood work back that her Pediatrician ordered and it was what we needed to see to feel a little bit more at ease. I cannot thank the Lord enough for giving her such a great ped, who empathizes with us, who is open to suggestions, and who always leads us in the right direction.

Something I would like to share is how far Mallory has come. Seriously this little girl is a rockstar, if you could meet her 1st hand you would NEVER know anything was ever wrong with her. She is smart, witty, and stubborn and absolutely perfect. She mimics us talking, she only gets mad if she's hungry or big sis steals something from her (or it's bedtime), but she flows through the days with such grace and always a beautiful smile on her face. She has the sweetest laugh, it just melts me every time I get to hear it. She is also starting to stand up on her own without holding onto anything, another big milestone for her, she took a step today with her push toy, and what a sight that was. She just is resilient, just amazing.

I am also making massive life changing things, one of those involves my shotty house wife skills. Now to say the least we've had 2 kids. From going to adjusting to 1 (who started the world out with colic), then to being pregnant with a 1 year old, then to having 2 kids under 2, and then having our new sweet baby diagnosed with cancer, I really haven't had a whole lot of time to "adjust" to life. Not that I'd change anything about my life, but I can say first hand that I'm really not that spiffy at house wife skills.

We finally had our kitchen painted, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I feel like know that we finally have our home "perfectly perfect" for us, it just makes it worth it to keep it looking nice. So made beds, vacuumed floors, and picked up toys are a must most of the days lately. I try to keep the sink pretty clean as well (don't look right now though, it's full of dishes lol), laundry that's just not my cup of tea, but at least I'm doing a better job at it. I just feel like I'm making huge strides to getting my house to the way that makes it the easiest for us to live in, so that we can enjoy our children to the maximum, and so that we may not stress over it every single day. I am just happy we're getting there finally, but of course I am not stressed about it, I've just been putting more effort into it lately and it feels great!! (I promise to go around my house and take pictures, because I am pretty proud of all the things we've done!)

Closure.

 Goodbye to Mallory's 1st year of life.
It was one hell of a ride.
Goodbye to the tears, we welcome this 2nd year of life with open arms. 

 Ok, with a lot more "Peek-a-boo's" and "Where is MALLORY?"
We get to now really embrace our lives, the one that God has blessed us with.
This little life.

and this one too.

 Somedays are tough, really tough, but nothing can compare to what this past year has been.
It makes the bad days seem not that bad.
When I have one child on my leg crying for attention and the other one jumping on my shoulders.
It's Not that bad.

I get it, I totally get it.

This year is about US.
It's about THEM.

It's about healing, healing, and moving on.
It's about forgiving those that abandoned us.
It's about forgiving the mistakes that have been made.
It's about forgetting the things we lost, and embracing the things we have.
It's about finding our purpose.
It's about becoming one.
It's about leaving the ugly behind.
It's about being selfish and embracing our children.
It's about working toward the ultimate goal.
And that ultimate goal for me, is to let go.
Get Free, and FLY FLY FLY. 

 These are OUR kids. They rock. They are worth every single moment of everyday. They are my prizes. It's about saying goodbye to "Sweet Baby Mallory" and saying Hello to our "Sweet Little Girls" Because this year it's all about THEM.

So as we continue this journey through cancer, through it's many different stages, we will hopefully get to enjoy many things that don't revolve around that anymore. There will be tests, there will be scans, but life gets to move on in between. And no matter which road it takes us, we're just living the days that we have to the fullest. So this is "Sweet Baby Mallory's" blog and we will continue to update, but we're gonna add some spunk, share some of our craziness with both of our kids, and keep it as a reminder of what we've done, what she's done, and what we're made of and how far we've come.

For us.
FOR THEM.

BALLOONS BALLOONS BALLOONS!

Let us know where they LANDED! :-)  They were let off from Wayland, MI!
-Leave a Comment Below! (or email us at sweetbabymallory@gmail.com)

1. West Farmington, Ohio

Here is a map of the reported balloon findings!
Google Maps (1 balloon recovered so far).

Dear Mallory,

 

Dear Sweet Baby Mallory,

Last year at this time we were anxiously awaiting your arrival. Tonight I've been in and out of tears, so thankful that this year is done for you little girl. It was tough, you fought like hell, something no kid should ever have to do.. You mean the world to us. Look at what you've accomplished not only kicking cancers butt but you made an impact on so MANY MANY people and you're only almost 1 (I can't say 1 because it's not "Official" till 4:10 tomorrow!)! You amaze us each and everyday with your spunk, laid back attitude and perseverance. I look at your scars, I look at everything you've done and you are our hero little lady. We are looking forward to this year, to watching you hit every single milestone, to helping you through everything. There are reminders from people that someday you'll be a teenager and I say "BRING IT" because at more than one point this year we didn't know if you'd even hit 1 (but please take your time getting there, we want you to "just be a kid" for as long as possible). We want to be there to watch you succeed, to help you through failures, when you're happy, and when you're sad. When you fall we'll be there to catch you. We don't care as long as we get to keep you forever and ever. You've taught us things that we never knew we'd have to do. Who would have thought I would have been strong enough to keep my head up when you were sitting there snuggling me and you would get so ill, when we would have to give you shots everyday at home, when we would run to the hospital at a moments notice because we wanted the very best for you. We just want the best for you because you deserve it. The love we have for you is in no way able to be expressed because our love is bigger than we even know. The day we met you my heart got bigger, your little tuft of blonde hair, those adorable big chubby cheeks, you had such a sweet charm about you from day 1, and you remind us everyday (That sweet charm is going to be tough to say "no" to). From Day 1, I couldn't imagine my life without you, and I never want to.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SWEET BABY MALLORY!

And to many many many more.

Love Forever & Always, and to the moon and back.

-Mommy & Daddy.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to have a big enough heart to love not only her, but Jillian and Ryan also. Thank you for showing me even through the bad times that this family is a rock, that no matter what we will continue on with life with a new beautiful perspective, that sometimes you have to fall to learn how to walk. Thank you Lord for blessing us with this beautiful baby girl, a little girl that we love with all of our hearts. Thank You for watching over her and keeping her safe, we pray Lord that this will be the first of many many birthdays for her. We put all our faith in you to carry us through life no matter the obstacle, no matter the mountains we have to climb.